My mom was cleaning my room, yelling at my brother, and texting my dad all at the same time. I asked her how she did it. She said, 'I’m not human. I’m a parent.'

I was trying to finish my homework while my dad was talking to the neighbor and telling me to stop being so lazy. He said, 'I have eight mouths. You have one. You should be grateful.'

My mom walked in while I was eating cereal, told me I was going to be late for school, and said, 'If you don’t hurry up, I’ll make your brother eat your cereal.'