Jacked Stiff
If someone gets jacked stiff, it means they went through something so brutal, they might as well be in the afterlife. It's like death, but with more drama.
He got jacked stiff after a heart attack. Now he's in the afterlife and his wallet is with him.
She got jacked stiff after a car crash. Now she's in a coma and her phone is gone.
My dog got jacked stiff after a raccoon attack. Now he's in the afterlife and he's mad.