jabba-wipe

My cousin is a jabba-wipe. She dates guys who look like they've been sitting in a dumpster since 1992.

He's got a six-pack and a chin. She's in love. I'm in shock.

She texts me every day: 'He's eating a whole pizza again. I'm worried about his arteries.'

My aunt is a jabba-wipe. She married her uncle's brother. He weighs 400 pounds and still eats breakfast cereal for dinner.

She says he's 'lovable.' I say he's 'lovable' because he doesn't leave a mess.

She posted a picture of him in a onesie. It got 12 likes. I cried.

My neighbor is a jabba-wipe. She went to a gym once. She came back with a broken nose and a coupon for 10% off nachos.

She said he was 'charming.' I said he was 'charming' because he was still breathing.

She texts me: 'He asked me to his birthday party. I said yes. I'm wearing a dress.' I said no.

My cousin is a jabba-wipe. She thinks his high cholesterol is 'romantic.' I think it's 'romantic' because he's not going to live long enough to be annoying.

He eats a whole pie for breakfast. She calls it 'a morning ritual.' I call it 'a death wish.'

She says, 'I love him.' I say, 'He's going to die in a year.' She says, 'So what?'

My sister is a jabba-wipe. She dated a guy who looked like a sausage wrapped in a blanket. I said, 'He's going to fall over.' She said, 'He's going to fall in love.'

He eats a whole pizza and a bag of chips for breakfast. She calls it 'a healthy routine.' I call it 'a routine for the dead.'

She says he's 'adorable.' I say he's 'adorable' because he's going to be dead soon.

My mom is a jabba-wipe. She says, 'He ate four pies in one go. That's love.' I say, 'That's a digestive disaster.'

He ate a pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She said, 'That's dedication.' I said, 'That's a stomach issue.'

She posted a picture of him with pie on his face. I said, 'That's not love. That's a mess.' She said, 'That's a mess of love.'