Facebook Sportscaster
When you update your Facebook like it's a sports show and you're the only person who cares.
'They scored again! I'm so proud of them!' (He's the only one watching.)
'That was a terrible play! They're all f***ing losers!' (He’s the only one who knows this.)
'That was the best play ever! I wish I could play like that!' (He's still in middle school.)