At my neighbor’s party, the guy next to me ate a whole cake. I asked him if he was okay. He said, ‘I’m the main character, I don’t need to be okay.’

My friend’s mom said, ‘It was like something right out of a movie. Except the movie was about a flamingo with a PhD.’

My friend texted me: ‘You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I tried to dance with a chair and it bit me.’