Early birding

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A person who wakes up so early they’re basically a vampire who hates the sun and also has a job.

My early bird friend texts me at 5 AM like it’s a normal time to be alive.

He’s up before the coffee shop opens and already plotting how to ruin my day.

He’s the guy who thinks 7 AM is a ‘reasonable’ time to eat breakfast.

The best way to start a day of total destruction. You’re drunk at 4 AM and you promise yourself you’ll sleep at some point, but you won’t.

She was up at 4 AM drinking wine and texting her ex like it was a date.

He got drunk at 5 AM and now he’s still talking to his sister about his ex from 2012.

They drank until 6 AM and now they’re still arguing about who got the last bite of pizza.

A guy who gets too excited during sex and leaves you hanging before the fun really starts.

He came so fast I didn’t even get to finish my coffee.

He was done in 3 seconds and then went to text his mom.

He said ‘I love you’ and then he was done, literally.

When your junk decides to escape from your pants and it’s like a surprise party you didn’t ask for.

He walked into the room and his junk was out like it was a fashion show.

She was wearing a dress and his junk came out like it had a mind of its own.

He was trying to walk in peace and his junk decided to make a scene.

That one person in your vacation group who’s up at the crack of dawn and thinks they’re the most fun person ever, but they’re just loud.

He was up at 6 AM and already yelling at the hotel room like it was his enemy.

She was up at 5 AM and texting her mom like it was a normal time to be alive.

He was up before the sun and already trying to ruin everyone’s vacation.

The new Black Friday. It’s when stores open one day earlier just so they can make you feel like you’re getting a deal, but you’re just tired.

They opened the store at 5 AM and I was too tired to care.

It’s like Black Friday but with more coffee and less joy.

They tried to make me feel like I was getting a deal, but I just wanted to go back to bed.