Jack Hasabigpenis
Jack has a penis so long it could be used as a ladder. He robs old ladies by poking them and taking their money. His parents are basically his own personal drug dealers.
He walked into a nursing home and left with a wallet and a broken heart.
He told a cop he was just 'checking on his grandma.' The cop never came back.
He used his penis as a measuring stick for the whole town.