Eat a phenomenal dick - When you try to be the hero but end up being the villain of

When you try to be the hero but end up being the villain of your own story because you’re too dumb to realize it.

I tried to be the cool guy, but now I’m the guy who spilled coffee on his pants.

I tried to save the day, but I messed up the whole plan.

I tried to be the boss, but my employees laughed at me.