Girl: Why didn’t you come to my birthday? Me: I didn’t know it was a birthday. Girl: You didn’t know? I told you a week ago. Me: I was busy being dead.

Dad: You didn’t do your homework. Me: I did it. Dad: No. I saw your teacher. Me: She’s lying. Dad: She’s not lying. Me: She’s lying. She’s a bad liar.

Bro: Why did you delete my message? Me: Because you sent me a photo of a dog wearing a hat. Bro: That’s a cool dog.