A Pathology of Conservatives

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A bunch of conservatives acting together is like a disease spreading through a hospital, gross, loud, and full of bad decisions.

'I didn’t vote for that guy, I just liked the way he yelled at the mailman.'

They called a meeting just to argue about which coffee cup was more patriotic.

He said, 'If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, you should’ve done it yourself.'

Conservatives grouped up are like a middle school lunchroom, everyone is screaming, no one is eating, and someone spilled ketchup on the principal.

She said, 'You can’t just tax the rich, they’re already rich enough to pay you back in insults.'

They had a debate about whether the moon landing was real, and it ended in a food fight.

He yelled, 'You don’t need a plan, you just need a lot of loud opinions!'

A group of conservatives is like a bad pizza, everyone thinks it’s great, but it’s just cheese, sauce, and a little bit of regret.

He said, 'I didn’t lose the election, I just won the war.'

They tried to pass a law just to prove they could.

She told her kid, 'If you don’t like the way the world is, you should’ve been born in a better one.'

Conservatives together are like a drunk uncle at a family reunion, loud, messy, and everyone else is trying to enjoy their meal.

He said, 'You don’t need a college degree to be smart, you just need to yell about it.'

They had a whole debate just to argue about which country is better, and it ended with someone throwing a shoe.

She told the news, 'I didn’t make a mistake, I just had a different opinion.'

A bunch of conservatives is like a parking lot at 3 a. m., everyone is there, but no one knows why, and someone is honking their horn.

He said, 'I didn’t start the fire, I just kept it going.'

They had a meeting just to argue about the meeting.

She told the kids, 'If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, you should’ve done it yourself.'

A group of conservatives is like a gym class, everyone is shouting, no one is listening, and the teacher is just trying to survive.

He said, 'I didn’t fail, I just had a different definition of success.'

They had a whole argument just to prove they were right, and it took three hours.

She told the class, 'You don’t need a plan, you just need to yell about it.'