A Homelander

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When a guy jacks off on a rooftop like he's trying to fly, but his pants are still on and he's too high to care if he falls.

'I watched that show, and I now have a fear of rooftops and my own junk.'

'He looked like a superhero, but he was just high on weed and cheap pizza.'

'That guy's got more problems than a junkie with a broken credit card.'

A psycho version of Superman who thinks he's the boss of everyone and takes selfies during fights.

'That guy is like a superman with a bad attitude and a better Instagram.'

'He’s the reason I no longer trust people who can fly.'

'He’s like a bad dream with a cape and a bad haircut.'

A show that’s like 24, but way dirtier, with people crying, swearing, and doing things you shouldn’t do in public.

'That show is like 24, but with more drama and less time to breathe.'

'I watched it and now I think my life is a mess.'

'It’s like a soap opera for grown-ups who hate their lives.'

When you jack off next to your partner on the floor, and you don’t even look at them, then you pass out like you’re dead.

'He came on the carpet and didn’t even blink, then passed out like he was hit by a truck.'

'She was crying, and he just jacked off next to her and fell asleep like a baby.'

'That guy’s got more self-respect than a man who jacks off in public.'

When you tell a girl to take off her shirt, then you jack off on her, and then you fall asleep on the floor like it was your job.

'He told her to take off her shirt, came on her, and then fell asleep like a champ.'

'She was confused, he was proud, and the floor was very happy.'

'That’s not a move, that’s a crime against fashion and sleep.'

A stupid word that means ‘country’ but is used by stupid presidents to make people cry about stupid wars.

'He called it ‘homeland’ like it was a magical word and we all needed to believe in it.'

'That guy used it to make people cry over a war that was way too expensive.'

'He turned ‘country’ into a stupid word that means ‘I love stupid wars.’'

A bunch of government jerks who make us scared of everything, even our own neighbors, just to get more money and power.

'They took money from hurricane relief and gave it to meter maids with guns.'

'They made us fear each other just to get more power.'

'They’re like the government’s version of a jerk with a budget.'