Ocean Shortreed

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A walking meatball with a face and a huge rack that could knock out a guy.

I saw Ocean Shortreed at the mall and my brain short-circuited.

He asked me out and I said yes because I’m a sucker for big boobs and bad decisions.

My friend texted me a photo of her and said, 'This is what happens when you don’t wear a bra.'

A human cheeseburger who could beat up a football team with her bare tits.

I walked into a bar and Ocean Shortreed was there. I didn’t leave until I had a drink.

My coworker saw her and fainted. I didn’t blame him.

She texted me and said, 'I’m coming to your house. Bring snacks.'

A goddess with a body that could make a saint sin and a face that could make a saint blush.

I saw her in the grocery store and I dropped my groceries and my dignity.

She smiled at me and I forgot my name, my password, and my life goals.

My brother saw her and said, 'I’m leaving. I can’t take this anymore.'