Lack of Being Existent

My cousin vanished so fast, he left a hole in the floor.

That kid’s so dead, his ghost got a job at the graveyard.

I tried to text him, and it went to ‘Unknown Number’, which is just a fancy way of saying ‘dead’.

My neighbor’s so dead, I got a coupon for free silence.

My grandma’s so dead, the undertaker gave her a raise.

He died so hard, the obituary had a typo.

My ex’s dog didn’t recognize me. I was that dead.

I texted my ex, and his dog answered. That’s how dead I am.

My ex’s dog got a new job. I lost my spot in the dog park.

People say I exist, but no one’s seen me since 2018.

My mom still thinks I’m alive. She’s delusional.

They held a funeral for me. I showed up. It was awkward.

My ghost went to the Bahamas. I’m that dead.

I died so hard, my ghost took a week off.

They’re giving me a ‘ghost of the year’ award. I’m that dead.