kabuki shitfaced

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so drunk you think your pants are made of soup and you're married to a toaster.

I woke up in a park wearing my socks as a hat. kabuki shitfaced, baby.

My friend tried to talk to me. I responded with a karate chop and a sob.

I told my mom I was a wizard. She called the cops.

you’re so wasted you think your dog is a celebrity and you’re its manager.

I tried to text my ex. I sent a picture of my cat wearing sunglasses.

I told my boss I was on vacation. He said, 'You’re already on vacation, you’re drunk.'

I tried to cook breakfast. The result was a fire and a very confused cat.

you’re so drunk you think you’re a chicken and you’re fighting a robot.

I tried to walk. I did a dance and fell into a bush.

I told my friend I was a superhero. He said, 'You’re a superhero? You can’t even stand up.'

I tried to order pizza. I asked for a sandwich and a karate lesson.