I was drunk

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The go-to lie you tell when you’re too messed up to remember your own face, let alone what you did.

I was drunk when I peed in the boss’s coffee.

I was drunk when I tried to flirt with the fire hydrant.

I was drunk when I told my mom I was getting married to a chicken.

The only thing that will save you from being called a complete idiot, unless you’re already a complete idiot.

I was drunk when I yelled at the moon for breaking up with me.

I was drunk when I tried to dance with a stranger’s dog.

I was drunk when I told my teacher I was a wizard.

The reason you did everything stupid, from fighting cops to licking a toilet bowl like it was a lover.

I was drunk when I tried to beat up a traffic light.

I was drunk when I took off my pants at the grocery store.

I was drunk when I tried to propose to my cat.

A phrase that sounds like it came out of a drunk Irish guy who thinks he’s the king of the world.

I wish I was drunk when I told my mom I was moving to a treehouse.

I wish I was drunk when I tried to ride a bike on a skateboard.

I wish I was drunk when I tried to sing at a bar and nobody listened.

What drunks say when they think they’re being cool, but it’s actually just the universe laughing at them.

I swear I’m not drunk when I tried to eat a whole pizza in one bite.

I swear I’m not drunk when I threw a shoe at a bus.

I swear I’m not drunk when I told my dog I was the president.