I touch myself

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When you scratch your own nuts until you feel like a god who just got a free pizza.

My little brother was caught touching himself during math class. The teacher gave him a pop quiz on multiplication and he failed it.

My mom walked in on me touching myself and said, 'You're gonna get a black eye if you keep doing that.'

I touch myself in the car on the way to work. My coworkers think I'm just daydreaming. They're wrong.

When you jerk off so hard you think your hand is going to fall off and join the military.

I was touching myself in the library and the librarian gave me a warning. I ignored it. Now I have a library fine.

I touch myself every time I hear my crush's voice. I'm like a dog who just got a treat.

During a Zoom call, I touched myself and my boss thought I was having a seizure.