i couldn't give a rat's ass

My mom called me 10 times. I let it go to voicemail. Then I ate a whole pizza.

My dog pooped on the carpet. I walked past it like it was a stranger.

My teacher gave me a D. I laughed and said, 'I'm still rich.'

My friend said he was going to space. I said, 'Cool. I'm going to sleep.'

I got a ticket for speeding. I said, 'I'll pay it when I'm dead.'

My crush asked me out. I said, 'I'm still eating my lunch.'

My dad said he was going to retire. I said, 'Great. Now I can finally eat my cereal in peace.'

I failed my math test. I said, 'Math is dead. I'm alive.'

My cat ran away. I said, 'He's probably on a vacation.'