H.E.U

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A half-dead, smelly, hot mess who can’t stop sniffing your neck and trying to bite you.

He showed up at my door with a zombie grin and a stink that could rot a tooth.

My H. E. U asked if I wanted to ‘romance’ him in the graveyard. I said no, but I still followed him.

He texted me: ‘I’m coming to your house. Bring snacks. And a chainsaw.’

A walking, moaning, sweaty lover who can’t keep his hands off you and smells like old pizza.

My H. E. U showed up at my job and tried to kiss me in front of my boss. I got fired.

He DM’d me: ‘Let’s do this. No questions. No pants.’

He sat next to me on the bus and tried to sniff my hair. I threw a soda at him.

A brain-eating, shirtless, love-struck monster who thinks you’re the best thing since garlic bread.

He showed up at my house with a shirt on. I told him to take it off. He did. And then he tried to eat my brain.

He texted me: ‘I’m not a monster. I’m just in love with you.’ I replied: ‘That’s not a compliment.’

He came to my school and tried to nibble my ear. The teachers called the cops.