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So wasted you can’t tell your nose from your elbow. Words look like they were thrown in a blender. You’re basically a human jello shot.

I saw my uncle at the bar. He was talking to the ceiling and thinking it was a waiter.

My friend ate a whole pizza and said it was a cheeseburger. That’s how wasted he was.

I tried to text my mom. All I sent was a photo of a sock and a question mark.

You’re so messed up you think your pet goldfish is your ex. You’re like a walking neon sign that says, 'I need a drink.'

At the party, my cousin asked the DJ if he could borrow his pants. He said yes. Then he asked if he could borrow his brain.

I tried to eat a sandwich. It looked like a math problem. I gave up.

I told my dog I was going to the moon. He brought a leash.

You’re so out of it you think your socks are talking to you. You’re like a broken toaster, still working, but not in the right way.

I tried to do my homework. My pencil kept telling me it was tired. I listened.

I walked into a wall because I thought it was a friend. It wasn’t. It was a wall.

I told my mom I was going to college. She said, 'You’re still in high school.' I said, 'No, I’m in college now. I just graduated from the floor.'