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People I pretend to care about but only check up on when they post something embarrassing.

I saw my cousin’s ex got married. I commented ‘Still ugly’ just to make her cry.

My uncle posted a photo of his dog wearing a hat. I laughed so hard I peed myself.

My mom’s ‘I’m fine’ post made me text her ‘You’re lying, I know you’re dying’.

The fake friends I keep on Facebook just so I don’t look like a lonely loser.

I added my neighbor’s kid just so I could say I have 100 friends.

I friended my dog’s Instagram account to make my life look cooler.

I added my brother’s best friend just to annoy him.

The people I only like when they post something that makes me feel better about my own life.

I saw my ex’s new job and texted him ‘Still broke, still sad’.

My cousin posted a photo of her vacation and I replied ‘Still fat, still single’.

My aunt posted about her new house and I sent her a ‘Still divorced, still bitter’ message.

The people I only talk to when I need something and then block them forever.

I asked my cousin for money and then blocked her when she said no.

I asked my uncle for a ride and then sent him a ‘You’re a piece of trash’ message.

I asked my mom for a snack and then said ‘I hate you’ in the comments.

The fake friends I have just to make my Facebook look cool, even though I don’t really know them.

I added my neighbor’s kid just to make my friend count go up.

I friended my dog’s best friend just to look funny.

I added my brother’s coworker just to make my brother mad.

The people I stalk on Facebook just to make myself feel better about my own life.

I saw my ex’s new job and texted him ‘Still broke, still sad’.

I saw my cousin’s vacation and said ‘Still fat, still single’.

I saw my aunt’s new house and told her ‘Still divorced, still bitter’.