earthmuffin

My cousin is an earthmuffin. She wears a dress made of old t-shirts and talks to plants.

She showed up to my birthday in a patchwork shirt and called me a ‘soulless robot’.

She tried to convince my dog to meditate. It just stared at her like she was a weirdo.

My earthmuffin neighbor tried to trade me a bag of beans for my Wi-Fi password.

She said she can ‘hear the earth’s heartbeat’ and now I just think she’s mad.

She brought a cactus to my house and said it was her ‘spirit animal’.

My earthmuffin aunt tried to turn my dog into a ‘yoga buddy’ and it just barked at her.

She told me I need to ‘connect with the earth’ and I just said, ‘No, I need a coffee.’

She thinks eating kale is a life choice and I think it’s a punishment.