earth queer

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1
A tree-hugging lunatic who thinks anything with a heartbeat deserves to live. They yell at deer and throw rocks at chainsaws.
I saw one wearing a squirrel suit at a protest. He threw a banana at a logger. It hit him in the face.
She tried to save a beaver by screaming at it until it ran away. It was sad.
He got fired for telling his boss he was a 'walking forest' and 'would not be logged.'
2
A person who thinks the Earth is a sacred being and you should never, ever, ever touch it. They throw tantrums if you eat meat.
He got into a fight with a chicken at the grocery store. It was ridiculous.
She cried for an hour when her friend ate a burger. 'You killed a cow!'
He tried to adopt a tree and got it a passport.
3
Someone who acts like the planet is their ex and they're still mad about the breakup. They hate pollution and throw trash into rivers.
He dumped a bag of chips into a lake because it 'had bad vibes.'
She started a band called 'The Earth's Revenge.'
He tried to write a love letter to the ocean and got it rejected.
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