e-shit

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1
The gross stuff you get in your inbox like ads for fake hard-ons or free porn. You trash it like it’s the devil’s business to keep your computer from getting a virus.
Your mom sends you a link for a free viagra ad. You delete it. You never speak of this again.
Your computer crashes because you opened a suspicious email. You yell at it. It yells back.
You get 100 ads for erectile dysfunction in one day. You scream into the void.
2
A stupid nickname for people named Elias. It’s like calling someone ‘E-💩’ and pretending it’s clever.
Your teacher calls Elias ‘E-Shit’ in front of the class. He cries.
Your friend’s brother is named Elias. You call him E-Shit. He threatens you.
Your cousin’s nickname is E-Shit. You’re proud of yourself.
3
When you try to do something that’s completely impossible, like balancing on a pencil or convincing your dog to wear pants.
You try to eat a whole pizza in one bite. It doesn’t work. You’re now a pizza ghost.
You try to teach your goldfish how to ride a bike. It’s a waste of time.
You try to do 10 push-ups. You collapse like a dying star.
4
A loud way to say ‘HOLY SHIT!’ like when you trip over your own feet and face-plant into a pile of dirt.
You see a spider the size of a cat. You yell, ‘E-Shit!’
Your dad eats a whole pie for breakfast. You yell, ‘E-Shit!’
You fail a test. You yell, ‘E-Shit!’
5
Twitch E-Shit: When someone shits on live stream and everyone’s watching. It’s like a party and a poop at the same time.
A streamer eats a hot dog and then poops. It’s like a horror movie.
Your friend streams and shits on camera. It’s legendary.
You watch someone shit live. It’s the worst and the best thing ever.
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