A Zucker

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Making up stupid words and confusing menus so your users spill all their secrets like a drunk kid at a sleepover.

You click on a button that says 'Accept All' and suddenly your ex's cat is following you on Instagram.

You thought you were just logging in, but now your mom's phone is sending you texts.

You signed up for a free app and now you're paying for six different subscriptions you don't know about.

A fucker. Jeff Zucker is the dumbest motherfucker on TV, and he’s been on TV for like 20 years.

He thinks a news broadcast is a game show.

He tried to make a weather report sound like a horror movie.

He took a serious moment and turned it into a joke about his pants.

Throwing some kind of pill or liquid into a girl's drink from across the room like you're trying to murder her.

He threw a roofie into her smoothie like he was trying to kill her at a coffee shop.

He sneaked a pill into her soda at the mall food court.

He tossed a mystery liquid into her cup from the other side of the bus.

You thought you'd just check Facebook for five minutes and now it's 7 p. m. and you're still eating lunch.

You opened Facebook to see what your ex was up to and now you're eating cold pizza at 7 p. m.

You checked your news feed once and now it's 6:45 p. m. and you're still at work.

You opened Facebook for a second and now it's 7:12 p. m. and you're still at the office.

A villager won’t leave your island because they like it too much, even though you’re trying to get rid of them.

You told them they could leave, but they stayed because they liked your island too much.

They wouldn’t leave even when you gave them free stuff.

They ignored your warnings and stayed because your island was the best.

You win every hand you didn’t play in poker, and the loser acts like he would’ve won if he stayed in.

He folded and said he would’ve won if he stayed in.

He lost and said he would’ve beaten you if he hadn’t folded.

He folded and then explained how he would’ve won if he hadn’t folded.

When your business partner steals your ideas, time, and money, and then acts like they’re the hero of the story.

He took your idea and made it his own, then acted like he was the genius.

He used your time and money, then said he was the one who made it happen.

He gave you credit but took the profit and acted like you were a sidekick.