a Kirkland

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When you're sleeping in the woods and some idiot dood grabs your junk and wakes you up like it's a goddamn emergency.

I woke up to my buddy’s hand in my pants. Bro code is dead.

Some dood took my nap time and turned it into a grab-and-go snack.

I was dreaming of tacos and woke up to a hand in my pants. What even is life?

A rich city up north of Seattle. It’s so posh you’d think it was a VIP section of a club. Bellevue is just the regular section.

Kirkland is like the VIP table. Bellevue is just the regular menu.

I’d rather live in Kirkland than eat at the regular section of the club.

Kirkland is the main dish. Bellevue is just the side.

Stuff you get from the best club in the world, Costco. You don’t know luxury until you’ve had a Kirkland.

I bought a Kirkland and felt like royalty.

Costco is the club. Kirkland is the gold.

That Kirkland is so good, I think it’s trying to take over my life.

A cheap knockoff from Costco. It looks like trash, but it works better than most stuff I’ve ever had.

This Kirkland is the cheapest thing I’ve ever bought, and it’s the best.

I thought it was trash, but it’s actually amazing.

This knockoff is better than my ex.

When you grab some poor soul, spin them around like a meatball, and chuck them through a window like it’s a game.

I twirled my friend and threw him through a window. He’s still in there.

That kid looked like a meatball. I spun him and threw him through a window.

He was just walking by. I grabbed him, spun him, and threw him through the glass. What even is life?

My best friend. He’s kind, smart, and plays sax like he’s a god. He helps me when I’m down and never judges me. He’s just the best.

Kirkland is my best friend. He helps me when I’m sad and plays sax like a god.

He never judges me. That’s why he’s my best friend.

Kirkland is the best. He plays sax, helps me, and is just awesome.

A self-centered jerk who screws you over and blames it on you. Then he dates all your friends and acts like a saint.

He messed me up and made it look like my fault. Then he dated my ex.

He’s a total jerk who dates all my friends and acts like an angel.

He’s the worst. He screws me over and dates my friends.